I've been busy, so busy, entering my senior year of high school that I've had really no time for myself. I'm involved in a group which requires my presence until late in the afternoon, after which my attention is claimed by large amounts of homework. Saturday mornings, no longer spent cleaning, are spent in a classroom, prepping once again for the SAT, and Sundays are now devoted to biking in the early morning, returning home to clean, and to finish up my homework.
I've been so busy that I've neglected my own feelings and have let life pass me by these past few weeks. But now, I stopped for a few minutes and realized I need to take a small break this afternoon to pursue my own enjoyments, to try and come to terms with what my life now is.
I'm no longer so excited about this year. Seeing my nephew grow and symbolically take his first step in the loss of innocence terrifies me. I'd rather he stayed safe and always be the small boy I've loved all these eleven years that I've watched him grow up.
I know that time stops for no one and for no thing. Why is it that it's so easy to abhor ignorance, and hypocritically want to keep my nephew from knowledge of the world?
I don't want him to see how horrible people can willfully be, how some are so willing to deceive themselves and others, and how much it can hurt. But at the same time, I myself argue that life lived in ignorance does service to no one, and quite the contrary, is harmful to one.
This is what I've tried to come to terms with today, sitting by the San Gabriel riverbed.  I've come away with my belief reinforced that life is a gift, and that the journey through it is an individual one, and although I wish to protect him from all harm and pain, it is inevitable that he will suffer, as I've seen him do already. As painful as it is, I have to accept that he will grow up and, although hopefully not away, different. I can only guide him as he so chooses to let me.

Okay, so that's totally cliche, but there's gotta be some wisdom to it.
Or at least that's what I'm hoping.
It's been a whole month already, and I still can't stop thinking about the biggest mistake I've ever made in my entire life. I told the person I most care about, the one I have loved more than anyone, to go his own seperate way. It seems silly to dwell on something like that, especially considering that I've gone through much, much worse, but how can I get over losing a soulmate?
Fate can be cruel sometimes, or maybe I'm just blaming my mistake on something else, anything else. What ever the case may be, I just hope that wherever he is, he's happier than he was with me. I hope he knows how much I love him, and that I just want the best for him.

On the brightside, the Lakers beat the Celtics today! :)